Picture this: Alpine F1, a team so spectacularly underwhelming this Formula 1 season that their performance at the Bahrain Grand Prix sent shockwaves of absolutely no surprise whatsoever across the motorsport world. Why? Because their tech leadership, in a plot twist seen from miles away, decided to abandon ship faster than rats on the Titanic. Techno maestros Matt Harman and Dirk De Beer bid their adieus even before the tires melted in Bahrain’s scorching humiliation.

Now, in what feels like the 157th episode of ‘As the Renault Turns’, we welcome a new band of technical directors. Joe Burnell, Ciaron Pilbeam, and David Wheater have stepped up to steer this sinking ship, each taking a slice of the technical pie. It’s like a three-man band, but instead of sweet music, they’re tasked with making a Formula 1 car that doesn’t double as a mobile chicane.

The urgency for their tech overhaul to bear fruit is palpable, given the car’s performance is currently akin to a glorified paperweight. Patrice Famin, in moments of pre-season optimism, hinted at a tough start — understatement of the year, folks! The car, burdened by a fondness for extra kilograms and an aversion to speed, has been the grid’s reluctant backmarker.

Let’s get into the nitty-gritty, shall we? The car’s waistline has exceeded its limbo bar with a whopping 11kg of excess baggage—a far cry from the svelte 798kg minimum. The culprits? A flunked side-impact test and an affection for overengineering the monocoque, which now boasts more unwanted weight than my aunt’s Christmas fruitcake.

Strapped to this lead balloon is a power unit panting 15-20bhp behind the pack — a gap wider than the English Channel. No shiny new exhaust tailpipe design can mask this wheezing asthmatic.

After a qualifying performance in Bahrain that set a new standard for ’leisurely’, Alpine found themselves last, trailing the pace by 1.6 seconds. Even their improvement over last year’s time could be measured with a ruler — barely 0.121s quicker, assuming you care for such minute details.

McLaren, bless their souls, serves as the fairy tale Alpine probably bookmarks each night, yet no one’s holding their breath for a Cinderella story here. Alpine’s promises of gradual upgrades feel less ’exciting development’ and more ‘praying for a miracle’.

But wait, there’s a sliver of optimism! Their newfound suspension tweak might just be the secret spice in this season’s stew of despair. Yet, when your best showing is in the high-speed ballet of Turns 5 to 7 in Bahrain, expectations for Jeddah are firmly set in the ‘marginally less dreadful’ region.

Back at the paddock, the team’s morale faced its own challenges, what with the technical bosses’ resignations turning into the sport’s worst-kept secret. Rather unsettlingly, the team found out through the racing grapevine rather than an official memo—talk about airing your dirty laundry in public.

The revolving door at Alpine’s HQ continues to spin at a dizzying pace, leaving one pondering if the team’s blueprint is less strategy and more throwing darts at a board and hoping for a bullseye. As the team ambles towards 2026 with hopeful glances at new regulations, questions swirl around Renault’s commitment and whether Alpine is equipped to climb beyond the midfield melee.

Here’s the kicker: Alpine doesn’t just face technical titans on the track; their real race is against their own history of upheaval and the relentless pursuit of progress that always seems just one more reshuffle away. So, as the F1 circus marches on, all eyes remain on Alpine — not for their prowess on track, but for their next act in this high-speed soap opera. Will they turn the corner or spin out in the same old storyline? Time, as they say, will tell.

Photo: By Jeff Web - Own work, CC BY-NC-SA 2.0, https://www.flickr.com/photos/jeffweb/52681612258