Opening Scene: a vacant throne at Mercedes beckoning the bravest knights from across the realm. As the dust settles on Lewis Hamilton’s shock pivot to Ferrari (imagine swapping silver for red, bold move, Lewis), the Silver Arrow squad finds itself playing musical chairs for the 2025 season. Amidst the whispers and speculation, one name wafts through the paddock like the tantalizing aroma of a well-prepared sauna – Valtteri Bottas.

Our blonde-maned, posterior-showcasing Finn hasn’t exactly been twiddling his thumbs since his 2021 Mercedes adieu. He’s been living it up at Alfa Romeo/Sauber (sorry, Stake F1 because apparently we rebrand as easily as Bottas gets naked for calendars). But with his Sauber gig wrapping up in 2024 and Audi looming on the horizon like a meticulously engineered storm, what’s a chap to do?

In an exchange so ’exclusive’ you’d think it was whispered in the confines of a top-secret Finnish sauna, PlanetF1.com coaxed some tea out of Bottas. The gist of it? Toto Wolff, the Mercedes maestro, hasn’t yet serenaded Bottas with talks of rekindling their Formula 1 romance for 2025. “No, actually! I think he’s been busy. Nothing so far!” Bottas quipped, possibly while pensively stroking his bleach-blonde mullet.

Don’t be fooled, though; our free-spirited Finn is no easy catch. He’s not about to jump ship for a mere year-long escapade. “Only if it was a lot more than a one-year contract,” he declared, eyeing perhaps something as enduring as his newfound love for revealing calendar shoots.

Since swapping his Mercedes kit for something a bit more… Alfa, Bottas has blossomed into the F1 world’s equivalent of a rebel without a cause (if that cause isn’t tied down by corporate brand restrictions, that is). Gone are the days of subdued Bottas. Now, we have mullet-sporting, gin-distilling, booty-showcasing Bottas who’s as likely to break the internet with his cheeky posts as he is to tear up the track.

A return to Mercedes, though, would require a neat balance between team tenets and individual expression. Asked if he’d let his mullet meet the unforgiving scissors for a shot at the championship, Bottas played cool. He’s open to change – but not at the expense of his newfound zeal for life (and eccentric hairstyles). “I think those days are gone now. I think it’s a different world nowadays, thank god!” he exclaimed, perhaps imagining the horror of a Ron Dennis-type insisting on a trim.

So, what have we learned from this saunter down potential-comeback lane with Bottas? Well, if Mercedes fancies a dose of Finnish flair back in their garage (mullet et al.), they best be ready with an offer as enticing as Bottas’s social media feed. And you know what? Given how 2025’s F1 grid is shaping up, that’s a storyline we’re here for.